Underestimated, The Wisdom and Power of Teenage Girls - Book Report

For the last two weeks I have been listening to Underestimated - The Wisdom and Power of Teenage Girls, by Chelsey Goodan. I heard about the book through Neil Strauss. Goodan wrote the book as part of Strauss’ annual writing workshop. In his promotion of the book he talks about Oprah’s praise, which had me skeptical. With an eleven year old girl myself, and having just finished Untangled, the topic was of interest.

As a disclaimer I do have a tendency to internalize the information I consume. Figuring out how it might fit in, relate to, or solve problems I am currently wading through. This book was no exception and opened up channels I didn’t expect.

If you haven’t read Untangled and a girl or woman plays a significant role in your life then I recommend checking it out. It takes a research approach to understanding and helping teenage girls that will support the relationships you have with them. This academic approach is very different from Goodan’s Underestimated, which does site research but rather than the unbiased and somewhat sterile presentation that research can offer, Underestimated is anecdotal and quote-heavy. This makes the content feel real and vulnerable. Many of the quotes I could hear my own daughter say, or reflected conversations we’ve already had. Which was helpful and terrifying.

The goal of the book is to provide practical tactics to support teenage girls to be themselves. Goodan’s performance on the audio book is casual which matches the tone of the quotes. There were times when her vocal patterns reminded me of the SNL sketches about high school theatre. In any other book this would have bothered me but for a book that quotes a lot of teenaged girls it felt like an appropriate artistic choice.

One of the surprising aspects of the book for me was Goodan’s ease in talking about contemporary issues. Working in academia these issues are at the forefront of my daily tasks. I can tend to get lose interest in the anger and the research and miss the reality of the actual issues. Goodan addresses eating disorders, sex, social media, identity, and shame with the voices of teenage girls who are going through it now. This highlights the subtleties and the impact of the issues in a way that grounds them. From the examples I was able to see how they show up or could show up in my own life and ways that I have added to the social narrative, and how I can do better. As someone who has never been a woman they were eyeopening and sparked a lot of empathy. 

Despite the book being about teenage girls the advice is universal. I can easily see myself using the tactics to create space, empathy, and connection with my teenage son, wife, colleagues, and staff. Like a good allegory, the choice to focus on teenage girls made it more powerful.

After the few chapters I recommended to my wife. It’s the kind of book that needs to be discussed and reviewed to put it into practice and get the most out of it.

Here are some of my major takeaways:

• Teenage girls are hyper aware of everything
• They’re open to having hard conversations
• Judgment is shut a teenage girl down
• Questions are a great way to create space without judgement
• Perfectionism is an epidemic and doesn’t always look like “perfectionism”
• Agency and choices are part of turning into a string independent adult - even if the choices are “wrong”
• Feelings aren’t bad and they need to be felt even if they don’t result in anything productive
• Unconscious bias is everywhere

This is really just a short list of things that floated to the top as I was writing this. The book is written in a way that it could be revisited and discussed. Although because of its poignancy I’m not sure about its longevity. 

Another interesting aspect of the book that came up quite a bit was when Goodan would mention her inner teenage self. Reflecting back on her own experience and how working with teenage girls helped her reconcile and understand some of her own angsty experiences. There is a lot of carry over from childhood into our adult lives and addressing these things can help us untie the knots we previously tied (to use an image from the book).

It multiple places in the book I found my own connections to my teenage self. Looking back with empathy and forgiveness rather than the harsh criticism. This kind of self compassion is challenging to maintain. Especially with societal pressure to hold oneself to a higher standard. I was glad to have the guidance to do that. It’s not something I’m apt to do on my own. Another knot I’m trying to untie.