How I Learned to Stop Caring and Just Love Myself

​I am forgetful.  About most things.  I’ve read some science about how human memory is pretty untrustworthy.  I used to think I was pretty good at remembering.  I’m not.
 
For my job I spend some time on the road.  I used to hate this time in the car, but I’ve learned to enjoy it.  There are two things that happen when I get introspective on trips like this.
 
1.          My ambition gets the better of me and I make grand plans.
2.          I start to analyze my behavior.
 
I flip back and forth between the two.  While traveling up to the hotel I plan out exactly what I’m going to accomplish before I leave in the morning:
 
•            Write 1500 words
•            Take a bath if the tub is decent
•            Meditate
•            Workout
•            Walk around town, not just sit in the hotel room and watch TV
•            Meet up with friends
•            Wake up early
•            Go for a run
 
I can see myself do these things as I play the movie of me doing them while I drive.  I am Superman.  Nothing can stop me.
 
What really happens is very different.  Almost nothing gets done.
 
I get into the hotel room and I forget about the mental movie of accomplishments I watched.  The mental list I made is completely lost and I default to what a hotel was built to do, relax.
 
I lay on the bed.  I watch Food Network, Travel Channel, and HGTV.  I complain to myself about the commercials and tell myself, “I should get up and accomplish something.  I had a list of things I wanted to do.  What were they?  Hey, Bizarre Foods in on.”
 
I stay up too late, don’t sleep well because it’s a different place and the thermostat doesn’t work they way I’m used to.  I get up early because I’m awake anyway.
 
My memory and the actions I take are based on habit.  I used to think that I had control over my reactions.  To a certain extent I supposed I do.  I can create the habits I rely on, but I will always be a victim of those habits.
 
My brain clicks into automation every chance it gets and unless I’ve built a constructive habit I will likely just end up watching TV.  I can do all the prep work in the world.  I can plan and organize, get into the frame of mind, or listen to the right music, but as soon as I get into the work itself, I will take the path of least resistance.
 
That’s never the work I want to accomplish.
 
On my way home from my latest trip I listened to a podcast where this was quoted:

​It’s awesome when your thoughts line up with others.
 
My approach can no longer be about doing more, or having a longer to do list, or a better system of accomplishment.  Instead, it has about the basics.  It’s about training myself to do what I want to do, and be what I want to be.
 
When I was going to school to be an actor it was about learning the process of getting into character and going through that process as many times as I could so that it became second nature.  When I get up on stage to do improv my training kicks in and I don’t have to try, I just let it happen.

​Moving forward to live the life I want is about doing little things everyday, that don’t seem like a big deal, that aren’t a big, but will one day become the training I rely on.