My Journey to Embracing Conflict

The Pattern of Avoidance

I sat across the desk from one of my direct reports as we looked over their numbers for the year. This was the third time we had done this. As a new supervisor, I was nervous. The numbers weren't good. They hadn't been all year, and I needed my employee to recognize this to make necessary changes.

"What kinds of trends are you seeing in the numbers?" I asked. She stared at them blankly. The longer the silence continued, the more uncomfortable I felt. There was clearly something missing. As her supervisor, I felt a great deal of responsibility for that lack of understanding.

I went over the year in my head:

• She had attended all the meetings
• She didn't ask questions
• She told me she understood
• I had directly compared her to other recruiters who had less experience

"Take some time with them and come up with a plan for how we can improve them next cycle," I finally said.

With that comment, I left her office, retreating to the comfort of my own. I had set out to have a tough conversation with my staff member and ended with the hope that she would pick up my subtext. I knew this wasn't the best approach, but I also didn't know any other way.

Despite having considerable leadership experience, conflict was something I had managed to avoid throughout my career. I did mind it. It made me uncomfortable, never seemed to solve problems, and wrecked otherwise good relationships.

Understanding the Cost of Avoidance

Conflict is inevitable and easily one of the most misunderstood aspects of leadership. When embraced and approached with the right intention, it can provide the leverage needed to create great working environments, build strong relationships, and develop innovative solutions.

The tricky part is overcoming the lack of experience and working through the overwhelming feelings, especially when past conflicts—whether with family, friends, or colleagues—have left emotional scars.

Marcus Aurelius was onto something when he wrote, "The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way."

It's unfortunate that human nature is so adapted to avoiding discomfort that we have to work hard to run toward what's good for us.

My Conflict Avoidance Origins

Growing up in the age of participation trophies, I didn't encounter meaningful conflict until high school and college. Even then, the conflicts I experienced were framed within academic settings and creative projects.

In these environments, I remained on the sidelines. There was always someone with authority—a teacher, director, or professor—who took the reins and guided us through the conflict.

When I finally reached a position where I should have picked up those reins and led a team through conflict, I struggled to find my authority. I would easily share my experience and opinions but relied on others to provide direction.

I justified this by believing I was giving others a voice, but what I wasn't doing was providing the structure necessary to work through conflict and emerge stronger on the other side.

The Turning Point

Managing an office placed me in a position where the buck stopped with me. The results of our team were directly tied to my ability to lead safely through conflict and come out stronger. My passive approach wasn't working.

Yes, it made conflicts easier to swallow—everyone felt heard, and we could sit in the same room together. But the results fell flat. There was no action plan, no accountability, no forward movement. We were sitting in conflict but not moving through it.

This resulted in more conflict and a great deal of confusion as to why we weren't emerging in a better place.

There are moments in life when you're presented with a clear crossroads. You can see the options before you, and a choice must be made. This was one of those times. As I observed these repeated conflict cycles at work, I noticed them outside the office too. Will Guidara's observation that "the way you do one thing is the way you do everything" resonated deeply.

I didn't like this cycle of conflict avoidance. I didn't want this to be "my way" of doing things. I had a choice to make.

Learning a New Approach

One catalyst for change was a three-day certificate course I took at the University of Washington. The curriculum was designed to help leaders navigate change. What I didn't anticipate was how it would change my perspective on conflict.

Due to change being the theme of the leadership certificate course, we talked extensively about conflict. These conversations expanded my definition of conflict beyond my simple expectation of "two people at odds trying to get the other to relent." I began to understand that conflict encompasses any situation where different needs, perspectives, or expectations create tension that requires resolution.

The course curriculum seemed particularly relevant to the changes I was experiencing at work: staff turnover, searching for a new CRM, and restructuring admissions post-pandemic. Conflict emerged as a recurring theme. Throughout the three-day course, as we discussed leading through changes, the instructor outlined a process for incorporating conflict productively:

1. Reframe conflict as growth - View conflict as an opportunity for self-improvement and personal growth. Recognize that these internal struggles can clarify values, strengthen decision-making skills, and build resilience.
2. Practice self-reflection - Dedicate time to mindfulness or journaling to understand the root of your conflicting thoughts or emotions. This helps identify patterns and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
3. Build emotional intelligence - Cultivate self-awareness by recognizing your emotional triggers and responses. This allows for better regulation of emotions and fosters empathy toward your own inner struggles.
4. Start small - Practice addressing minor internal conflicts first, such as small decisions or dilemmas, to build confidence before tackling more significant issues.
5. Accept ambiguity - Understand that not all conflicts have clear resolutions. Embrace the discomfort of uncertainty as a natural part of personal growth.
6. Seek support - Discuss your internal conflicts with trusted friends, mentors, or therapists to gain new perspectives and guidance.
7. Practice - The more time you spend inside conflict, the more comfortable you'll become with it.

Despite having this framework for embracing conflict, I still felt considerable trepidation about putting it into practice. My brain kept searching for ways to navigate through change without conflict—either by avoiding it entirely or by creating an inclusive process where everyone could move together without friction.

When I raised my hand to ask if this was possible, my professor looked me directly in the eyes and said, "No. There's only one path to change: through conflict."

This was a profound learning moment for me that continues to resonate. It represented a seismic shift in my perception of the world: The one thing I can consistently count on is change, and the only way to navigate that change effectively is through conflict.

From Theory to Practice

Intellectual revelation is powerful, but implementation is where transformation occurs. A big reason I work in and love education is because of ideas and mental development. However, it's one thing to grasp a concept intellectually and quite another to put it into practice.

That final step—practice—is crucial but challenging when it involves something you've avoided your entire life. When something is inherently uncomfortable, we tend to avoid it at all costs. Conflict affects me physically: my body fills with emotional dread, and some form of fight, flight, or freeze response kicks in.

As a drama teacher, I once had a middle school student, Meredith, who loved my beginning drama class until she had to be in front of the whole class. Early in the year, I assigned a presentation to help students become comfortable performing. Each student could choose a process they enjoyed and then teach the class the steps.

Meredith chose cupcakes. On presentation day, she brought in homemade treats. She was thrilled to share her love of baking—so excited that she could barely contain herself before class. When I asked for volunteers, Meredith's hand shot up first.

As she made her way to the front, her classmates called out encouragement: "You got this, Meredith, just stay focused." "You can do it! Remember to breathe." "We got you, Meredith."

I appreciated such a supportive class but was confused by their comments. Clearly, they knew something I didn't.

Meredith set up behind a table, looking down at her cupcakes. Once at the front, she wouldn't look up, just staring at her hands. After what felt like forever, I said, "Whenever you're ready..."

She took a deep breath, and as soon as she lifted her head, her body took over. Her eyes swelled with tears, her hands started shaking, and her voice trembled.

Despite her excitement to share, her biological response took control.

My experience with conflict isn't that extreme, but I recognize similar patterns. When approaching conflict, my sweat glands activate, and my mind goes blank. My physical body tries everything to escape what feels threatening, even when it isn't.

Intellectually I know the modern workplace conflicts I face aren't actually life-threatening. Unfortunately, human evolution hasn't caught up yet—my bodies still respond as if they were.

Finding My Way Through

The two most valuable insights from the workshop that helped me develop a workable solution were:

1. Reframing conflict as growth
2. Consistent practice
   

Reframing has been part of my personal growth journey for years. It helps me contextualize experiences and behaviors within new perspectives, allowing me to move forward more effectively.

Practice is essential for developing any skill, and fortunately, there's rarely a shortage of conflict, even small ones, at work or home.

The challenge for me was addressing the biological component. My inherent discomfort with conflict made it difficult to begin practicing. This is where I drew on acting exercises from my college days. These visualization techniques are designed to help actors bridge mind and body, gaining control over emotional states so they can portray them authentically on demand.

These visualization exercises, combined with journaling, deepened my reframing process and allowed me to engage in conflict practice while maintaining the capacity to make deliberate choices.

The discomfort I feel during conflict isn't eliminated by these exercises, but it becomes tolerable.

Ongoing Journey

As long as I continue working with people, conflict will be inevitable. Rather than trying to create circumstances where I avoid conflict altogether—which is impossible—I'm better served by embracing it and learning from it. I can't claim to be an expert or to have fully integrated conflict into my leadership approach, but I am a more willing participant now.

I still fall into old patterns when conflict arises unexpectedly, but thanks to practice, it's easier to recognize these tendencies and adjust my behavior in real time. I suspect this will be a lifelong pursuit. There's no way to become comfortable with all the different forms conflict can take.

Seeing every conflict as an opportunity is far more productive than viewing it as a barrier.

Real Results

More recently, I needed to have a difficult conversation with a staff member about another performance issue. Rather than approaching it as a reprimand or corrective action, I reframed it as an opportunity for growth.

This employee was consistently arriving late. This behavior was noticed by everyone in the office and was becoming a breeding ground for resentment.

Intellectually, being late might not seem significant, but allowing this pattern to continue enables other standards to slip as well. As team members, we need to rely on each other, and if we can't count on someone to arrive on time consistently, we begin to question what else might be unreliable:

• Are they communicating effectively with students?
• Are they following through on our collaborative projects?

Due to human nature, our minds quickly construct negative narratives.

Before addressing the employee, I took the time to prepare. With pen and paper, I wrote out the specific issues and various approaches to addressing them.

Writing it out, especially on paper, serves both as reframing and practice. It provides notes to reference should my biological responses interfere with my intentions.

Another valuable technique I applied came from Simon Sinek, who recommends stating your intention explicitly at the beginning of difficult conversations. Using our words to frame the interaction before addressing the issue creates psychological safety. This too was something I worked out on paper first.

The conversation wasn't easy, but it went much better than it might have otherwise. We addressed the concern directly and created a plan that would lead everyone toward success.

Lessons Learned

After two years of consciously working to embrace conflict, here's what I've learned:

• Conflict avoidance doesn't prevent conflict; it only postpones and often magnifies it
• The discomfort of conflict diminishes with practice but never completely disappears
• Having a structured approach makes difficult conversations manageable
• The relationships that survive conflict often emerge stronger

Whether you're leading a team, raising teenagers, or simply trying to live authentically, learning to work through conflict rather than around it opens possibilities that avoidance keeps locked away. The question isn't whether you'll face conflict—it's whether you'll use it as an opportunity for growth.

Get these posts sent directly to your inbox.